I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Your penis caused this!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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