I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
