Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
