help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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