I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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