There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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