I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
