Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
