He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
