I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Found the puke drawer
I have feelings that need drinking.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
