mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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