I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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