she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
