My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
