very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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