I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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