1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
