I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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