i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
