This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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