I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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