Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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