dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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