so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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