her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
