I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
