I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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