Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
