hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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