Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
