Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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