textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think a kid would responsible me up
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
