Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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