new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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