you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
