I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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