I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
