Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
