I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
