tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
