so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
