I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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