This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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