Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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