gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
