life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
