did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
