The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
