dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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