i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
