Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
