you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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