ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
