Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
