Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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