saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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