I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
