Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i was born a porn star she said
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
