"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
